Let Me Go
by amberreader
Summary: Starting after Crossroads of Twilight, one way Lan and Nynaeve's situation could have been resolved.
1. Chapter 1

All elements from the "Wheel of Time" including characters, terms and events belong to Robert Jordan.

"You **will** weave a gate way to Lan's present location." Siuan commanded forcing down the instincts which clamored that she should defer to this woman. Myrelle's face showed a mixture of anger and stubbornness.

"There is no reason I should listen to you." she hissed.

"There is" Siuan returned flatly hoping this bluff would work. "If anyone else is with me when I find Nynaeve, your secret will be exposed."

"But what do you want with a half-trained Accepted in a shawl anyway?" Myrelle asked. Siuan felt relief as she felt the balance of the argument shift in her favor.

"It doesn't matter" she replied since answering would reveal her desperation and weaken her already unstable position.


	2. Chapter 2

Lan listened to Nynaeve's breathing, as she slept, the rhythm even and natural. It reassured him that Nynaeve was recovering from cleansing saidin. She still slept more than usual and she was ignoring whatever weakness she still felt during the day. It would been more convenient to sense her condition, but he was her Warder in every way but the bond. That linked him to Myrelle who was fortunately very far away. The passage of months had accustomed him to her presence, but only because he could not change the situation.

Perhaps Moiraine had said it best "You are not a man to wear a leash easily." He needed the freedom to disagree and have that advice be heard if not heeded. More, he needed to be asked the traditional question: did he agree to be bonded? He had not, had protested when Moiraine had explained what she had done. Something in that strange conversation tickled at his brain, but would not come clear.


	3. Chapter 3

Nynaeve was reading about one of her least favorite subjects: battles. More specifically, she was studying a book on the Trolloc Wars written by an Aes Sedai. It was unpleasant reading with so much death and destruction, but useful for filling in some history. A hand touched her shoulder and she looked up to Lan's face, trying to read it when he added "Walk with me please." She rose casually schooling her features to calm as they strode toward the rooms they shared. There had been little to read on his face, but the request was odd, as if he had received a message that she needed to hear that should not be overheard or suspected by the others. Nynaeve firmly swashed her speculations: purely good news was unlikely and bad news would wait a few more steps.

As soon as the door closed behind Lan, she wove a ward against eavesdroppers and held it. "We are protected from being overheard. What is it?"

"It's Myrelle. She is using the Warder bond to find me. I do not think we want to be found here." It should have been a shock, but somehow Nynaeve felt that she had been waiting for this news. A steely mixture of anger and calm flowed through her.

"How long do we have?"

"Roughly an hour, she isn't moving very quickly, reluctantly is the best way I can describe it. A strange attitude with her actions unless this was not her chosen action."

"Someone has a hold on her and is using her to find you."

"Or you. All the people in Egwene's camp who know I am still alive also know that Egwene sent me to help you." Nynaeve blinked, Lan had never given her many details about how he had found his way to Ebou Dar in time to save her life, but there was more to the tale that was clear. Quelling her curiosity and a slow simmering anger at Myrelle, Nynaeve packed.


	4. Chapter 4

Myrelle judged the distance between herself and her fourth Warder; it was decreasing more quickly now. Lan was coming to meet her.

Soon now she would be able to sense his emotions and would know if she had any chance of saving Lan after he had spent so many months in inexpert hands. How could she be anything else? Nynaeve had never had a Warder, how could she keep Lan alive when Myrelle had been afraid that all of her knowledge and experience would not be enough?

Myrelle focused her attention on the knot which contained Lan's emotions, bracing herself against the darkened muted turmoil she had felt before and sensed calmness with a mixture of other emotions: anxiety, determination, anticipation and sorrow all carefully controlled. It was impossible, but it was also similar to Moiraine's description of Lan's usual emotional state. '"Most of the time, Lan has very tight control of his emotions. When calm is his primary emotion he will be ready to be released from your care to another sister." Here she had interrupted "He would not stay with me?" "No, another has his loyalty already, her name is Nynaeve. Promise me that you will relinquish Lan's bond to her when they are both ready." "There is no initiate of the Tower by that name." Myrelle had objected "Surely you would not..." "No." Moiraine had answered "But we will soon and the Tower will hold onto her with iron bands." She had smiled wryly with those words. Faced with that certainty, Myrelle had promised, with reservations.'

Myrelle remembered her promise, but Nynaeve was not ready, not really Aes Sedai and until the girl was a full sister, Lan would remain her's.


	5. Chapter 5

"So Myrelle will not be thrilled to pass the bond to me." Nynaeve summarized in a biting tone.

"She might surprise me, but no I do not think so. From the little Moiraine told me about this plan

Myrelle may have promised to--hand me over but that does not mean she wants to." Nynaeve's

features tighten at this statement and Lan quickly added "Nynaeve let me make the initial request

just in case that is all that is needed."

Nynaeve nodded having regained her composure. She did not have the full emotional control an

Aes Sedai normally did--yet--and she would never be a White all logical and no heart. Lan

reviewed the last part of that thought. It was familiar--Moiraine had said it speaking of the Ajahs

which would not suit him instead of answering his question about who he would be passed to.

Why? More than that why make the arrangement at that particular time instead of a previous visit

to the White Tower? What was special about that time period? 'I began to wonder if you were still

wholly with me' Moiraine's voice murmured from his memories. Of course, Moiraine had been close

when he had given Nynaeve his ring and pledged his help if she ever called on him. She had to

have felt the total commitment he had felt when he had said those words which no Warder should

give to anyone other than his Aes Sedai. And then she had made arrangements, if his reasoning

was correct, to pass his bond at Moiraine's death to a specific young Sister who would never have

chosen the path of a White or a Brown or a Red, Nynaeve al Meara. He might be completely wrong,

but he would watch Myrelle closely for signs that he was correct; it could be a weapon at the right

moment.

"Lan" Nynaeve's voice pulled him out of his thoughts "There is a question I need to ask you." There

was a hint of concern and anxiety in her eyes and Lan mentally braced himself for her next words.

He loved her beyond any doubt, but that did not mean she was predictable, ever.

"What?"

"Do you agree to be my Warder?"

"I agree to be the Warder of Nynaeve al Meara Mandragoran, Aes Sedai of the Yellow Ajah." he

replied formally without hesitation, thought or the slightest regret. "I thought you knew that

already."

"I just learned that Myrelle became your bondholder without asking and I asked myself how what I

was doing was any different." Lan thanked the Light for the honor which guided his wife's actions

and answered simply. "It felt very different to me, but I appreciate being asked directly. Nynaeve

visibly relaxed but it was the bare truth.

"We should be within line of sight soon." Nynaeve smoothed her face into a calm mask as he

focused his mind on a single flame.


	6. Chapter 6

Siuan caught sight of the pair riding steadily toward them and was reminded of Moiraine. The

characteristics which made the two women so different did not show at this distance, just the

way the Warder towered over the Aes Sedai.

As they closed the distance, she hoped Nynaeve was equal to this; she might not have any

ideas, but she was Siuan's last best choice for finding Egwene, the Amyrlin Seat.


	7. Chapter 7

Just as they would come within earshot of the two women, Lan heard Nynaeve murmur "It is time

to roll the dice." one of Mat's favorite phrases and it described the moment well. He rode toward

Myrelle, observing and being observed by Myrelle's Warders as well as Myrelle herself. He dismounted

and faced her squarely. He would tell her the truth first and hope that Myrelle would oblige. "Myrelle

Sedai I wish to be passed to Nynaeve Sedai today." There was a surge of emotion through the bond,

clearer than any words. Lan knew he had a long argument ahead of him. He glanced at his wife; she

looked fully involved in her conversion with the young sister who looked familiar somehow.


	8. Chapter 8

"What is the current situation, Siuan?" Nynaeve asked already certain she would not like this answer either.

"Sheriam is keeping order in the camp and the Hall keeps meeting; in short, they have reverted to what you saw in Salidar, hoping all their problems will go away if they wait long enough." Siuan gave a snort of frustration.

"And what about finding," Nynaeve broke off at the bitter shaking of Siuan's head.

"They wanted a figurehead and chose a leader. Now that she is gone the Hall and Sheriam's circle are free to do as they wish. They see no benefit in searching for her." Nynaeve ground her teeth at a loss for words to denounce such betrayal. "I tried every method I could think of to find her." Siuan continued wearily.

"And you want me to try." Nynaeve spoke with certainty. That was the explanation which fit the clues. Siuan nodded and opened her mouth to elaborate when rising tones captured Nynaeve's attention.


	9. Chapter 9

Their conversation had shown how much Nynaeve had changed in the months since she had left Salidar; her strength of personality had been honed and controlled. The temper had been restrained; it no longer ruled her mouth. Siuan allowed herself a little relief; her mission might have a chance of success.

A clearly infuriated "How dare you speak to me that way." sent Siuan spinning to face Myrelle.

Myrelle was facing her unwilling Warder all serenity gone. Lan still retained some of his composure, but his rigid posture shouted he would not back down, not for mere words. As if Myrelle had read her mind, the glow of saidar flared around her and she wove a weave Siuan did not recognize. It resembled a healing weave superficially but when Myrelle set her creation on Lan its effects showed it to be nothing of the sort. Lan gave a half strangled oath as his body was racked with waves of convulsions. Siuan was so surprised she was barely aware she was moving forward._ Myrelle what do you think you are doing?_

"MYRELLE release saidar!" Nynaeve's voice commanded shaking slightly with suppressed emotion. The young sister had reacted faster than she had and took a position next to Lan with all her attention focused on Myrelle.

Siuan could see both women's faces clearly: Myrelle's showed the shock and anger of a cat tossed into a pond and Nynaeve appeared to be covered in frost only her eyes showed a fury which eclipsed Myrelle's. Myrelle was beyond observing such subtleties; she cried, "No, he will obey..." The rest of the phrase was lost as Nynaeve embraced the Source and shielded Myrelle.

As the weave surrounding him vanished, Lan collapsed and Nynaeve knelt by his side a breathe later. Lan began to struggle into a sitting position fighting for every inch. Nynaeve placed a hand on his chest and he relaxed back on the ground. Still holding Myrelle's shield, she wove a delving and then altered it saying "This should help," as she lifted her hand. This try at standing was much more successful; Lan came to his feet with his usual economy.

Siuan glanced at Myrelle had she seen what Siuan had seen? Or would she continue to believe that Nynaeve could not handle Lan. Myrelle's expression was a mixture of anger and jealousy as she stared at the pair.


	10. Chapter 10

The shield cooled Myrelle's rage as nothing else could have done and left her exposed to the bitter, uncomfortable truths Lan had brought with him. When he had left her, little had mattered to him; as that had changed he had ceased to be passive or obedient. He loathed being bonded to her with a rage she felt like a knife of ice in her head and beneath his words. A hot emotion she could have allowed to burn out naturally, but this had to be rooted out. Myrelle winced mentally. Well she had tried and Nynaeve had intervened, wretched girl. The method of dealing with a Warder was the Aes Sedai's choice and hers alone! Then a treacherous inner voice asked what she was going to do now, but she was interrupted before she could construct a satisfactory answer.

"If what I just saw was an example of how you handle your Warders, then it is only by the Light's blessing that Lan was still sane when he reached me." Nynaeve's tone was harsh and icy. The child dared to judge her! Myrelle prepared to browbeat the younger woman into respectful humility only to find the words evaporate. Nynaeve's eyes burned with authority and certainty as bright as the glow of saidar around her body. She held Myrelle's eyes with her own for a long moment and then spoke again more gently. "Your secret is one step from being public knowledge. You have maneuvered yourself into a corner and refused to use the escape Lan has given you. Why?"

"I gave a promise to Moiraine." The words came unbidden as Myrelle listened to herself in disbelief; she had not meant to say that!


	11. Chapter 11

"What sort of promise did you make?" Nynaeve asked.

Lan followed with a question of his own "What remains incomplete?" He felt hyperaware using everything he knew about Aes Sedai to extract what Myrelle had not told either of them--her intentions. That was crucial; he and Nynaeve were at a severe disadvantage without it.

Myrelle was staring at Nynaeve with faint traces of mixed emotions on her face. Slowly reluctantly she spoke "I told Moiraine I would do everything in my power to keep Lan alive and ..." Here she choked into silence.

Nynaeve did not lessen the pressure. "And what?" Her patience would run out soon; he was surprised she had remained calm so long.

The words came slowly as if they were being forced from Myrelle. "I agreed to pass his bond to another sister." She looked more reluctant to talk than ever.

Nynaeve appeared to be sorting through unhappy possibilities probably thinking about the odds against her. He certainly was, _there are so many Aes Sedai_, but Nynaeve had taught him how to hope again after Moiraine's death. "Moiraine specified Nynaeve al'Meara after she was raised to the shawl did she not?"

Myrelle's involuntary turn toward him seemed to take minutes but his reward was a whispered "Yes, she did." It was only as he relaxed that Lan realized how tense he had been waiting for that answer. A lovely smile of relief appeared on Nynaeve's face for a few moments before she resumed the mask of an Aes Sedai.


	12. Chapter 12

Celebrating could wait for more privacy, Myrelle had not actually done anything yet and they had had to wring answers out of her. She refused to wait for Lan's bond any longer. Nynaeve firmed her tone to a command "It is time to complete your promise." Myrelle did not respond; her gaze had turned inward. "Myrelle!" "I cannot do anything about the bond while shielded." Myrelle snapped irritably. _Oh_, Nynaeve felt annoyed at having the obvious pointed out to her. She allowed the shield to vanish as she released the Power. Myrelle stared at Lan her eyes hinted at disappointment then she stepped forward and motioned Lan to kneel before her. He did so without emotion but Nynaeve simmered, _what a demeaning thing to ask_! Myrelle bent forward to place a hand on his forehead as the glow of saidar surrounded her. The weave was mostly Spirit and just a few flows of Fire and far less complex than the one Elayne had used to bond Birgitte. When Myrelle finished manipulating her creation, she spoke to Nynaeve "You must be linked with me, find something to get angry about." _Of course she would not know I am no longer blocked_, Nynaeve thought as she set herself to the edge of touching the Source. She felt Myrelle reach through her toward the One Power the familiar sensation of linking.

Nynaeve caught her breath in surprise. The difference in this circle was that Lan was also present and sharing the emotions and sensations which she and Myrelle felt and he was even less prepared for the intimacy of joining than she had once been. His shock and fear did not show on his face but Nynaeve felt it clearly. Myrelle was observing both of them, testing their emotional stability and ability to cope with foreign emotions, but hers more closely, doubtingly. That doubt caused anger to flare feeding her determination. _Lan is in this situation because of me; it is my responsibility to help him. She tried to reach out to him. Lan I am here, do not be afraid. _The shock began to fade, but not as much as she had hoped. I cannot reassure him when I am seething with Light-cursed fear myself, he can sense me too clearly. Her thoughts swirled and then replayed the past.

'The click of knitting needle and the muttering of the fire made an ordinary background to Nynaeve's own sobbing. I failed, she thought, if Mistress Barran had been watching Master al'Don would still be alive and I cannot even figure out what I did wrong. She lifted her eyes toward the older woman who quietly mourned, but had said nothing in blame. I have to tell her so she can choose another Apprentice. "Mistress Barran I do not have what it takes to be a Wisdom."

"Did you think a Wisdom can save everyone Nynaeve? Do you think you are responsible for Master al'Don's death?" Nynaeve sagged at this echo of her own thoughts. "Nynaeve look at me." Her voice was gentle and firm and the Wisdom's eyes held a wealth of compassion. "No healer can save every person no matter how skilled she is; sometimes we lose people to death despite everything we can do. You know that." Nynaeve nodded, remembering her mother's death two years before. "And when that happens we have a very difficult task: to give comfort and be strong for others instead of seeking comfort for our own pain. You have that strength within you and you will learn how to use it. That is why I chose you."'

_I am a Wisdom_, Nynaeve told herself firmly, _one who supports others in crisis_. "Welcome to a circle, Lan, even with all the practice I have had it is still a shock to have my emotions become--so public." Lan felt calmer and seemed to agree silently. He said "It is a bit more intense than the Warder bond." Myrelle was waiting expectantly. "Now what?"

"Now I pass control of the circle to you and you release me from the circle. You do know how to do that, do you not?" That sense of testing had returned to Myrelle's presence. Nynaeve suppressed her outrage limiting her response to a firm, very firm, "I can."


	13. Chapter 13

Lan was not sure how he knew, but he recognized when Nynaeve took control of the circle. Then Myrelle's presence vanished and he felt nothing; not a wisp of the mental connection he had sensed all these months, from her. Now Nynaeve's emotions filled his attention. He had wondered what he would sense from her. Both Moraine and Myrelle had been distinct to him, each presence complex with multiple shadings. Nynaeve was just as intricate as the other women and her presence glowed within his mind. She was his: to care for, to protect as much she would allow and to love without reserve acting as Warder and husband for as long as he lived.

Nynaeve was concentrating; her eyes were tracing something invisible to him. He presumed it was the weave Myrelle had placed on him. Then a flare of understanding and incisiveness came to him which faded in acuteness almost as he identified it until a small knot of awareness was all that remained. They were bonded and Nynaeve's satisfaction was an echo of his own.


	14. Chapter 14

It took several long moments before Nynaeve and Lan stopped staring at each other then Lan stood and both of them looked at Myrelle. She appeared shocked by something which could be any combination of the day's events. Siuan knew she would probably never know for certain.

"Myrelle, thank you for your efforts on my behalf." Lan's tone was sincere, but it contained many nuances which hinted that not all her actions fell into that category. Myrelle's expression darkened, she had heard the implied message, then she nodded and turned away. Her three Warders moved to follow her as she prepared to Skim. They stepped through the gateway and disappeared.

"Now" Nynaeve said in a quiet intense voice "tell me everything about the time period when Egwene went missing and all the methods you have used to find her."

Author's note: It has been a long journey, but now you can read the whole story at once which is how it was designed to be read.

Thank you, everyone for your reviews!

I have other stories in progress, but I am not sure if I will post them. If I do it won't be for awhile.


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